“Verbal abuse: Words that attack or injure, that cause one to believe the false, or that speak falsely of one.” She gives a name to the words that were making me feel terrible. Perhaps this is why I found this book so affirming, so life-changing. Sometimes, just a book that describes it, or knowing that one person “out there” understands can make all the difference.” It takes tremendous self-esteem to validate one’s own reality when no one else seems to have done so. “Unfortunately, living with a verbal abuser increasingly undermines the partner’s self-esteem making recognition that much more difficult. “Extraordinary self-esteem is precisely what is required to recognize that her mate is in another reality - that he sees the world through the model of Power Over. Patricia Evans also explains why it’s so difficult to break out of such a situation: As if it’s not bad enough to be told that one is a terrible person, reality is twisted so that if she protests, now she’s told she’s someone who’s always fighting, a terrible, argumentative person.
Not coming to this realization, however, leaves the partner living in an incomprehensible reality where she is blamed for the battering of her own spirit.”īeing blamed for the battering of her own spirit is the line that resonated with me.
“The fact that she can’t come to an understanding with her mate simply because he is abusive and will defeat her through abusive power plays is almost incomprehensible to the partner. In truth, a verbally abusive relationship is a more or less constant invalidation of the partner’s reality.” She may take his negation as a lack of common interest or as a misunderstanding. Consequently, the partner may not even know what it is like to feel supported and validated in her relationship. “Because of his need for dominance and his unwillingness to accept his partner as an equal, the verbal abuser is compelled to negate the perceptions, experiences, values, accomplishments and plans of his partner. The author explains how the verbally abusive person and his partner are coming from two completely different realities.
Verbal abuse is a crazy-making situation. The other books expand on the ideas presented here. This was the first one she wrote, shedding light on the problem of verbal abuse. This book is the Patricia Evans book originally recommended to me by a friend. Adams Media Corporation, Second Edition, 1996.
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